love.......

I was in 8th grade when I met him.  Well, I didn't actually meet him. But it was quite a funny introduction, he had just moved to my city from California. And it was towards the end of the year, my best friend and I were walking back to class from lunch and we were talking about the new kid we'd heard about all day when we turn the corner and there's this boy pretending to be a dinosaur. I don't know if you could even call it that, but he saying "Rawr, rawr, I'm a dinosaur." So one could only draw a few assumptions. And then it dawned on me that I didn't know who this kid was, and so it had to have been the new kid. It was kind of an awkward moment, the new guy meeting a couple girls in a weird and embarrassing way. But it didn't seem to phase him, he just looked at us and winked. That was just the way he was, it seemed like nothing ever phased him. I remember walking away laughing and my best friend saying something about him being weird. I remember looking back and watched him watch us walk away. I remember being embarrassed that he caught me looking back at him as he watched us. I asked her what his name was and she told me. Max.

So the year ends and I can't remember ever talking to him after that. But I don't really think about him, I've got other things on my mind. First year of high school, volleyball team, football boys, all that stuff. So the new year starts and I walk into art class and realize I don't know anybody. I scan the room and then I meet eyes with him. Max. It's one of those awkward moments when you don't really know anybody else in the class, and you meet eyes with someone you kinda remember only seeing a few times before. You know, acknowledging the fact that you guys both know each other, vaguely, but you have no choice but to become aquainted and quick bc you don't know anybody else really. I survey the rest of the room and walk toward him and his friend and ask him if I could sit with them. He says, yes and pulled the stool out. He reaches his hand out and waits for mine. I must've looked at him like he grew two heads bc he starts to laugh and says that he hadn't quite made the first impression he was going for when he first met me and would like to have another go at it. I stare at his hand for a little bit and then I shake it.

"I'm-" I start as his big hand encompasses mine.

"I know who you are," he finishes for me with an easy smile, that I would later miss.

The moment passes and we became friends. We sat by each other everyday after that, it was just the way it was. He became my best friend, he was there when I needed someone to talk to. Winter break came and went and when school started up again we ended up having majority of our classes together. I remember being anxious to hurry up and just get to the classes we had together. I remember people thinking that we were dating, but we just laughed it off. One time in class Max and I were talking and laughing, and then he left to get something, I think paint. His friend looked at me and leaned over and said "That boy is sprung on you." And I looked at him and laughed, and told him that was just not the way our relationship was and I didn't think anything of it after that.
Then the Winter Formal came around, and the whole night was a mess. My original date went out of town, my new date spilled punch down my dress and then I found him making out with another girl, just my luck. I remember being super pissed off that the night was a complete bust. So I walk into the gym and sat down on the benches, I look over and realize that I'm sitting next to Max's brother and I start talking to him. He was a couple years older than us, and I remember seeing him around, but never really engaging in conversation with him, but we kind of hit it off. I don't think much came after that, but some how I started talking to him more than Max. And soon enough we were dating. My friendship with Max kind of went AWOL, and soon we just stopped talking all together. I remember thinking that I was making a mistake, but Max never said anything to me. If anything he encouraged it.

I didn't put two and two together, I thought we would still be friends. Hell, I thought we would've been even better friends. How stupid could I have been? Max's brother was graduating that year. After he left I was constantly getting hit on since my boyfriend was out of high school. And so me and Max started talking again, and he sort of became my body guard. Nobody talked to me when he was around, and I was okay with that bc I had my best friend back and I didn't want to talk to anybody else except him. He made me a coat rack in metal shop for my birthday. When we talked, it was like we could talk about anything. And we did, we talked about the kind of girl he wanted to be with, we talked about my relationship with his brother, we talked about where we want to be, we talked about life and we talked about the future. If felt good to have him back in my life.

As time went on things with my boyfriend started getting difficult, I started having problems with my best friend and I turned to Max. And he was there for me. I started getting confused, I was bombarded with all these new feelings I felt like I never knew before. But somewhere deep down I knew that they were always there, I just never acknowledged them. I knew that Max had felt the same things for me, although neither of us pointed it out, I knew we both felt it. We were two people who had been put together, but couldn't be together due to moral principles. I felt torn, I loved my boyfriend but I felt like I loved Max too. Somehow, my boyfriend found out about Max and me and things just blew up from there. Some how I felt like a was being ran over by a freight train. I was only 16 and I felt like I had to choose between my best friend and my boyfriend. I felt like I had put myself in a rock and a hard place. Either way I would lose. Either way I would hurt. And I did not want to choose.

In the end, I wasn't strong enough to make a choice and Max made it for us. He wrote me a letter, and had someone else give it to me. In it he told me that he had fallen in love with me and that he had always loved me. But he just couldn't be around me anymore bc he felt like it would only make things harder. He said that he loved me, but he loved his brother too. And that he knew that his brother loved me. He said that he'd sarcrifice everything he's ever wanted so that we could move forward. It said a lot of other stuff, but I can't remember what else. But he must've known how I would react bc his last sentence said "Please don't make this harder than it already is."

I don't remember much after that, I think I blocked it out of my memories. I'm pretty sure I broke down and cried in the middle of class after reading it. I felt like my heart was literally breaking in two. I kept the letters we wrote back and forth to each other for a while, but I think I just chose to lose them. After that we pretty much avoided each other all together, and I'd only see him when I was with my boyfriend or by accident in the hall. I don't think he ever found out that Max knew, and I sure never told him about the letter he wrote me. I remember catching him watching me in the hallway or the cafeteria and our eyes would meet and then shift away. I waited until he showed up, just to watch him and to just see him and know that he's okay. The year after that, he dropped out of school and started drinking and smoking.

I'm still with my boyfriend (his brother), and it's been about 4 years since it happened. And not a day goes by where I don't think about him or I don't miss him. I heard he's with a girl 5 yrs younger than him, and from what I hear she's nothing like the girl he told me he wanted to be with. A few years ago, someone told me that it was my fault that he was the way he is now. That he started smoking and drinking to stop thinking about me. It's hard for me accept that bc he made the decision and he chose to stick to it. And now when I do see him on rare occasion, it's kind of filled with awkward silences. It breaks my heart at how distant we are from each other now. I hate that he's not a part of my life as he once was. I miss him so much, my heart hurts just thinking about it. It breaks my heart seeing him where he is now, seeing him so far from where he wanted to be and not being able to talk to him about it.

I guess love just wasn't enough to save us both. There are so many things wrong with this I don't know where to begin. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend with all my heart and to the very core of my being. But I miss my best friend.